Why Your Team Sucks 2015: San Francisco 49ers

Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: San Francisco 49ers, 1946-2015, RIP. Your 2014 record: 8-8. The Niners close out their formal existence as a professional football team with five Super Bowl titles, six NFC titles, and 19 division titles. That’s a really nice run you guys had. Caretaker for your team’s grave: Living Woody Guthrie song Jim Tomsula, who has lived out of car (and frankly, probably enjoyed life more that way) and lost his great-grandfather in a coal pulverizer accident. Tomsula will be in charge of cleaning the Niners’ headstone, replacing any and all dead flowers, and…

Take The 2012 Gawker Media Census, Win An iPad, And Then Resume Your Quest for 3rd Base

After last year's census, we discovered that 66% of you stud muffins were in relationships and 51% of you dined out at around 3 times a week—we can only assume that all that wining and dining is how you keep the ladies coming back. Take a quick 10-minute break from the drunken hookups to answer the 2012 Gawker Media Census. You could win a new iPad. You folks are notoriously opinionated, so now it's your opportunity to be heard. Not unlike those little feedback cards at Applebee's, the Gawker Media Cenus helps us serve you better. It's your chance to let us know who you are, what you're into, and what we could be doing differently. Your contribution is essential to the site, so get cracking!
Thank you. Now please apologize to your girlfriend for the interrup…

Ozzie Guillen Would Like To Be Drunk, If You Don't Mind

The White Sox lost to the A's on Friday night, but that wasn't what had Ozzie Guilled in a bad mood. John Garland was shelled, the White Sox only managed 3 hits all night, and they lost ground in the AL wild card race. But what had Ozzie all pissed off was the fact that the Oakland A's organization banned alcohol from both the home and visiting clubhouses. Ozzie's reaction was described as "profane" and "angry," and he offered to pay a clubhouse attendant to bring some beer in. He was also heard saying, "He doesn't run my team, I run my team," referring to A's general manager, Billy Beane. Beane made the decision to ban alcohol after Esteban Loaiza was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving earlier in the season. Ironically…

Melvin Gordon Can't Turn This Chargers Season Around By Himself

data-mm-id=”_fxb4lubqg”>After a month and some change of prolonged rumors and negotiations both within and hidden from public view, Melvin Gordon has ended his holdout and will return to the Los Angeles Chargers on Thursday without a new deal. The addition of a talent like Gordon comes at a good time for the Chargers, even if he won't play for at least a week while he gets back into game shape; Los Angeles currently sits at 1-2 after dropping two winnable games in a row. The only saving grace, for now, is that the Broncos are much worse than anyone anticipated and the Raiders are still the Raiders, so the path back to the wild card spot is that much easier. But while Gordon's addition certainly can't hurt, he alone won't reverse the trajectory of this season for the…

Philip Rivers Deserved Better From the Chargers

data-mm-id=”_bqiko977f”>Philip Rivers and the Los Angeles Chargers are officially broken up and not getting back together. The two sides opted to "mutually part ways" on Monday, despite the move being telegraphed for weeks. Over most of his 16 years with the organization, the Chargers showed how not to handle a franchise quarterback. His tenure looks like nothing more than a huge missed opportunity. Rivers' play declined this season and rumors of an increasingly frosty relationship with ownership swirled. But the 38-year-old is still the same guy who led the Chargers to a 12-4 record and posted a passer rating of 105.5 in 2018. The two sides are parting ways now because 2019 was a failure and LA wants a new quarterback when it moves into Stan Kroenke's stadium in 20…

VIDEO: Tyson Fury Licked Blood Off of Deontay Wilder

data-mm-id=”_wku2ygy74″>Tyson Fury dominated Deontay Wilder Saturday night to win the heavyweight championship of the world. In the process, he bloodied Wilder and even took a taste of that blood. Yeah, you read that right. During one stretch, Fury actually licked the blood off Wilder's neck during a clinch.Check this out:What the hell, man pic.twitter.com/GGpqkcbSUs— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) February 23, 2020Is Tyson Fury trying to lick the blood off the neck of Deontay Wilder ???? #WilderFury2 pic.twitter.com/qgIrfPuhfK— MMA India (@MMAIndiaShow) February 23, 2020What in the world…#WilderFury2 pic.twitter.com/lsjePXwYI6— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) February 23, 2020That's um…crazy. And gross. What the hell man?Fury won via seventh-round knockout in a fight he utt…

Jerry Krause Also Deserves Some Credit For the Los Angeles Lakers' Titles

data-mm-id=”_shjg8abfs”>Jerry Krause has taken a lot of abuse in The Last Dance as the man who helped build and then destroy Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls. First in old footage from Jordan and Scottie Pippen, and then in new interviews and on the internet from people wondering how you walk away from Michael Jordan and Phil Jackson before you absolutely have to. It would be very interesting to hear Krause's side of these stories, but Phil Jackson gave him a lot of credit after his death in 2017. Via Bulls.com:”“I had to temper what to say when I was in LA,” Jackson admitted. “I couldn’t say, ‘The Bulls wouldn’t do things this way.’ The Lakers felt they knew how to do things even though they were 10 years behind Jerry. We had the cable system (Jerry) Reinsdorf pu…

Tiger Woods' Handicap Over Last 24 Years is Pretty, Pretty Good

data-mm-id=”_ggqwsznz5″>Sometimes in life, expectations don't match reality. When it comes to Tiger Woods' handicap, they actually exceed them. Thanks to our favorite self-proclaimed "golf stat pro" Lou Stagner, we now know what Woods' USGA index has been since he said "hello world" in 1996 and turned pro. It started out at a +5.1 (oh my!), got all the way up to a +9.4 (holy crap!) in 2008, slipped to a +3.7 (still, incredibly good) in 2015 when he was dealing with back and chipping issues and is currently a +6.5 (we back!). ???Question:What does Tiger's USGA index look like for his career?Answer:Pretty Pretty GoodFrightening when you consider this wasn't adjusted for tour conditions. It would be 2-3 shots better if it was. He was a +7 or be…

Counterpoint: Dabo Swinney Coaching the Jacksonville Jaguars is Not a Perfect Situation

data-mm-id=”_176bkbfv5″>The Jacksonville Jaguars have taken a detour to irrelevancy after a poor call prevented them from making the Super Bowl not so long ago. Releasing running back Leonard Fournette this morning signaled that the quest for answers is nowhere near its termination point. All future options appear to be on the table and, at this point, going in a bold direction may be the best course.Still, Mike Tannenbaum going on Get Up to suggest bringing in both Dabo Swinney and Trevor Lawrence from Clemson to fix everything seems a bit far-fetched. Even more far-fetched is the idea that such a situation, in Tannenbaum's words, would be perfect. ““There’s a lot of speculation in the league that Dabo Swinney, who has been on the short list of multiple head coaching searches…

Everyone Was Wrong About Jimmy Butler at Some Point

data-mm-id=”_wpc3j98it”>Jimmy Butler is who Jimmy Butler tried to tell everyone Jimmy Butler is. He's the kind of player who can go out there against one of the best players of all-time on the biggest stage in basketball and give you one of the best performances ever. Literally.According to game score, a statistic which accounts for everything a player does, Jimmy Butler's performance was the second-best NBA finals game played since complete box scores were available (1984). https://t.co/ejUVNNkUtX pic.twitter.com/RDqiHcAuQL— Bryan Armen Graham (@BryanAGraham) October 5, 2020There are zero flukes on that list. No random decent player going off. LeBron, Jordan, Shaq, Magic, Barkley, Worthy, Iverson, and future Hall of Famers Curry, KD, Draymond and Tim Duncan. If the Heat wi…